Yesterday was a very difficult day. It was one of those days that made me question everything – my purpose, my identity, and the role that God has called me to as mom. The kitchen counter was littered with dirty dishes. The living room was a not-so-subtle minefield of toys and trash that had happily been strewn across the floor. I started to feel a head cold coming on and held a singular desire to sleep – and, on par with the course of the day, that desire was tested as my daughter whined and fussed for hours rather than routinely settling for her naps. I hadn’t even washed my face or devoted a minute to my appearance when my husband got home and it was time to leave for a family dinner that evening.
I wrestled intensely with anger as I attempted to sooth my sleep-resistant daughter for hours of the day. I despaired that my selfish desire for sleep was consistently withheld. I felt ugly and worn down, inside and out, without emotional strength. I felt trapped in a role requiring more of me than I felt I had left to give. I felt tattered and confined as the weight of pressures and external voices caved in over my weary head.
I saw my sin in disturbing and ugly clarity. I saw it manifested in shameful actions and words and felt it’s grip on my angry heart. I was embarrassed at the person that was revealed as my strength and personal desire were tested.
Yet though I struggle to feel it, I am reminded that the weight of those sins doesn’t own me. The shameful ashes that the fire of the day revealed do not have to taint my soul. I am indeed a sinner, but I am a sinner whose sins are made clean. I am a sinner Christ died to save, and he has borne the penalty for my shameful and self-focused heart. I am a sinner receiving his active grace as he breathes life into my otherwise dying soul.
I am free.
I don’t have to live in the bondage of my sin. I am no longer a slave to it, but set free by the Son of God. I am forgiven and redeemed. It’s hard to shed the guilty shame of such an ugly day, but I know the truth that there is no condemnation remaining for me in Christ.
I am forgiven.
I am free.
I am right where God wants me to be.
In this season of refining, I am liberated from my sin. He has set me free, and I am free indeed.
For more of my thoughts on motherhood read: