I started today in a very deep pool of self-pity. I was angry at what my life has become. I wanted my flexibility back. I wanted my sleep back. I missed the self-care that I so easily once enjoyed. I wanted my personal ambitions back. I wanted my body back. I wanted to be anywhere but exactly where I am.
I knew I was sinning as I dwelt in bitter thought but I didn’t want to stop. Somehow it felt good and justified to rest in anger at my state in life.
I was spent, exhausted, and lonely.
My mind drifted to memories that seemed as though distant past… Memories of sleeping in. Memories of showering whenever I needed to. Memories of wearing size small. Memories of energy. Memories of washing my face, wearing makeup, and doing my hair. Memories of leaving the house for the day. Memories of interacting with people and life.
Instead of allowing my mind to simply drift I allowed it to wallow there. It felt good to drown myself in self-pity and to wish for a different life. It felt good to sit in anger at what my life had become.
But it felt even better when God began to break down my walls.
My husband prayed that God would give me joy as I embraced my bitter self-pity. God brought a scripture to my mind that began to knead my hardened heart.
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
God leads gently those that have young. God knows the weak state of a mother.
My anger began to dissipate. I began to feel cherished and cared for. God sees my sleepless nights. God sees my damaged body. God knows my emotional turmoil.
God leads me with gentleness.
Momma, are you feeling exhausted and weak?
God sees your hidden suffering. He knows the cost of the role he has called you to and he will give you the strength to persevere.
God doesn’t leave us to fend for ourselves as we muddle through each day in this season. He gives us His strength. He meets us with grace. He catches and sees every tear.
In my weak state as a mother I feel constantly beaten down. God doesn’t lead me with a hard hand that beats me further into the ground. He lifts my face and wipes my tears and equips me to carry on.
He leads me gently – he leads me with love.
His love is so great that he sent his perfect Son to die on the cross for me, enduring separation from God and the punishment for my sins. His love is so great that he’s preparing heaven for me, the only condition that I believe.
Weak momma, take heart, this world is passing. God sees the work that you do. Your treasure may not be in full nights of sleep, a fit body, or a flexible life – but an eternal treasure awaits you if you fall on your knees before God. An eternal treasure awaits you if you believe that Christ died in your stead.
God has compassion on your weakness. He leads you gently to his throne.
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